My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
