I want to have your abortion
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
