I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
