Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
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I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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