god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
