I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
