i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
