I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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