The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
