I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
