Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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