cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Vodka?
Forever.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
