I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
