In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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