Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
