Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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