He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
