When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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