My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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