If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
