Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
