I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
