He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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