I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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