I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
