So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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