East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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