I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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