I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I wish there were birth control emojis
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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