Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
