non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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