Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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