chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
