my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
