sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
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so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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