I wish I could punch you in the face.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
