Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
