If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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