Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
