Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
