Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
