I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
