I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
