my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
