9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
