You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
