She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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