i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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