i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
