I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
