fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
