my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
