my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
