I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
God, I missed his penis.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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