Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
