I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
