I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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