I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
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id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
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He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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