I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize