i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
