you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
my liver is dry heaving
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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